Sunday, January 27, 2013

Blind Woman Praying 1994

I've been working as a professional artist for over thirty years, and it never ceases to amaze me at what transpires before I start. Here's how it always goes:

 1.  excitement about getting started
 2.  buying lots of materials I don't really need
 3.  putting off getting started
 4.  more putting off getting started
 5.  getting anxious
 6.  getting depressed
 7.  wondering what the purpose of my art making is all about anyway
 8.  coming up with reasons not to start
 9.  coming up with reasons not to be an artist
10.  crying and making my husband worry about my mental health
11.  getting started

It's such a leap of faith.  For one thing, I have no conscious idea of where I'm going, what I will be doing, or what I will end up with.  I have lots of ideas that I've gathered since the last time I worked, and it comforts me to collect those ideas and write them down, to assure myself that I do have some direction and  purpose( of course, 99% of those ideas will fall by the wayside once I get started).  All of this obfuscating is a pathetic attempt on my part not to have to go into the fire, not to have to struggle and be lost, not to have to feel chaotic and confused.  But mostly it's about not wanting to surrender, to turn myself over to that power that I don't have any control over.  And even though  I always know that this force, when I finally give over to it, allows me be the very best I can be, I still have a terrible time letting go.  It finally just boils down to faith, and trusting that once I get started, all will be okay.


7 comments:

  1. I totally relate to this! Thanks for posting it.

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  2. Great post and I love the painting! I suffer with the starting too, I think because the optimism of what is to come is so intoxicating, I don't want to end it and go through all the stages of good and bad that will eventually work it all out...it is exhausting to say the least...this is what makes me exasperated when someone asks me how long it took to paint something....they have no idea what went into it; no matter how short or long the technical time involved... and thankfully they have no idea how close to the edge it takes me each time either! How ever I secretly love the edge part...Thanks for the wonderful blogs!

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  3. OMG. I thought I was the only one whose calling was the cause of such miserable suffering! This is just what I needed to hear - being in stage 4-9 of this exact process at the moment. Ready to jump off a cliff rather than into the fire. I don't know why I keep fooling myself into believing it's going to be easier Next Time. Sigh.

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  4. Every time I get your Blog, Holly, it lifts my day!!
    You are WONDERFUL!

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  5. I agree with all of the above!

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